he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
