Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
