If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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