I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
