Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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