So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We have started to decorate penises.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
