i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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