Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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