the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
