no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
