He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize