I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
