Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
