and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
