i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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