I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
