I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
