I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
