Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize