i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize