i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
