Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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