1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
