Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
