I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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