My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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