Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
