so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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