i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think my vagina is haunted
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
