When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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