go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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