My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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