my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize