I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
