theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm bleeding and have questions
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
