new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
