Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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