um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he puts the penis in happiness.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
