Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Alive.
So much puke
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
