i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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