I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize