i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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