If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
