I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
