I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
