I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
