i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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