I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
