Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
