My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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