went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
