You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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