I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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