I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
barbara walters just said penis...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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