I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
