she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
