Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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