So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
